When we express gratitude we reinforce our orientation to that which is life-giving.

One of our universal needs is to contribute to meeting other people’s needs. A universal need is intrinsic – it comes from inside us. To offer others an opportunity to contribute to meeting our needs is a precious gift we can give to others.

When we express gratitude we offer a gift to the giver – the knowledge that they have contributed to our needs being met.

The natural process of gratitude is often undermined by using praise and compliments as rewards intended to manipulate behavior: the child learns to sit quietly in class not because that behavior will contribute to their intrinsic need for learning, but because of the expectation of a gold star next to their name (read Alfie Kohn’s book Punished by Rewards). Our domination culture trains us to contribute for extrinsic reasons – reasons that are outside of us: rewards, approval from others, tax deductions, name recognition. The motivation behind praise is often pure appreciation, but the language undermines the intent by enabling a dependency on external approval. When we say “Good job!” we leave the other person dependent on our judgment of what a good job is. When we say to another person “This specific thing that you did helped me relax/play/focus, etc” then we contribute to their knowledge base and their capacity to contribute effectively.

The gratitude learning loop starts with the intention to enrich life, is realized with actions and is confirmed with feedback.

In offering gratitude, include the basic components of NVC honest expression:

1. what we witnessed the other person do
2. what needs of ours were met by their action
3. how we feel as a result
4. check to see that our expression of gratitude was received

In receiving gratitude, we can continue the celebration by saying to the other “I am glad I was able to share something I was given that is useful to you.” (or silently to yourself: “I am grateful for what I have received that allows me to give.”). If instead, after receiving gratitude feedback,  we say “oh, it’s nothing,” we break the feedback loop and the positive energy that was generated dies out. If we want to be brief, instead of “it’s nothing,” try “joyfully given” or “my pleasure.” And though the choice of words is meaningful, remember that it is not the words but the intent and the connection that matter.

Our need is to contribute to life. Contributing to life is not about ego (‘See what a good person I am!’). Approval and reassurance are strategies to tell us whether we have contributed to life but they are based in someone else judging our behavior (good/bad, smart/stupid, etc). Replace approval and reassurance with empathic connection and honest reaction. Gratitude, or appreciation, is a universal need. Appreciation from a particular person is a strategy. Appreciation is telling other people (or ourselves) how their behavior has contributed to meeting our needs.

Try these practices:

1. Keep a gratitude journal. Make daily entries:
1. to celebrate what you did
2. to celebrate what someone else did
3. to reflect on if and how you expressed gratitude to that person as fully as you would have liked to
4. to set intentions to express gratitude
2. before dinner, make it a family practice for all to share something they did and something that was done for them that enriched life

In the words of Mark Twain: “I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me—I always feel that they have not said enough.”

Adapted by Jerry Koch-Gonzalez from Marshall Rosenberg workshops on 11/6/03 & 11/20/04

I like this summary of the qualities of listening I found in Ann Weiser Cornell’s book The Power of Focusing:

A welcoming presence means you are interested in everything you become aware of inside. Each feeling you become aware of, no matter how ugly or negative it appears at first, has good reason for being the way it is. A welcoming presence gives it the space to be and breathe, evolve and transform.

Holding the space means bringing your awareness to your inner world and holding it there. It’s as if you’re saying to your inner self, “I’m here and I’m staying with you.”

Hearing the essence means listening for what is longing to be heard. When something first comes forward, its message may be difficult to understand. If you keep listening for what “it” wants you to hear, the message will become clearer and clearer.

Staying in present time means not being distracted by dwelling on what happened in the past, or on fantasies or fears about the future. It means staying in touch with how you’re feeling in your body right now, even when what you’re focusing on is related to the past or the future. Whenever you find you have drifted away from the present, ask yourself, “How am I feeling in my body right now? What am I aware of right now?”

Listening focuses awareness. Awareness opens the way to effective action.

What if there was an alternative way of engaging with conflict where we could sit in a circle face to face as equals instead of in rows facing the one most powerful? Where role labels are stripped away and the cultural trappings enforcing domination gone?

This alternative justice system exists in a variety of forms known as restorative justice and restorative practices. I’d like to tell you about one approach I am familiar with: Restorative Circles.

The Restorative Circle (RC) Process is rooted in the restorative justice movement and the insights of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). More specifically it is based on the work of Dominic Barter, who has been implementing Restorative Circles in Brazilian schools and courts to provide young people and others alternatives to punitive outcomes.

In a Restorative Circle, we sit as equals – no privilege for our wealth or our roles. We all share the opportunity to speak and be heard as we want to be heard.  We seek mutual understand and, from that shared understanding, set a plan of action agreed by all that is intended to help to restore  what may have been painfully broken – a sense of connection to ourselves and our communities. Connection is made when we hear each other’s pain – when have direct feedback about how our actions impact others. And connection is made when those others witness our humanity – an understanding of what led us to take the actions we have taken.  Connection is made when the community shares the responsibility for the context in which the past actions took place – as Dominic Barter says, “Every Circle is at least 500 years old” – and shares responsibility for the restorative actions to come.

Hope and greater equality emerge as we grow into our shared understanding that we live in an interconnected community of people who can care about each other rather than one that is focused on personal advantage, revenge or labeling others as enemies to be overcome.

The retributive (punishment) model of justice is rooted in class patterns of domination. Someone has power over: the power to reward or punish. By whose rules? By the owner’s rules. Rewards and punishments support inequality. When we blame others, we deny our responsibility and we foster disconnection. When we share responsibility, we become curious about how to construct a world that more effectively meets people’s needs.

For more information on Dominic Barter’s Restorative Circles approach see restorativecircles.org . For more information about restorative practices in general, read The Little Book of Restorative Justice by Howard Zher and the website of the International Institute for Restorative Practices  (www.iirp.org).

Pioneer Valley NVC can bring Restorative Circle process to your community or organization.